helpless..

I slip into the empty space next to my sleeping mother, in an attempt to comfort my aching heart – hoping that her rhythmic breathing would calm the pain. But it only worsens my loneliness as I curl up to avoid the blows of reality.

The pain of longing is explosive, shattering the heart into fragments, scattering the mind to follow a zillion tangents at once. However tonight the pain is quiescently crushing, in silence. There is no tearing of the heart into a million pieces, rather a sharp stab in the heart – not only is his intensity tormenting but also the consistency throughout. I try to ignore the acute pain bursts with every breath. There is a fear pulsating through the veins at the thought of what would happen next & the mind goes numb.

My fingers are stained with ink from writing – the writing turns from a frantic scribble to a subdued scrawl and then silence reigns. I’m seated at my desk in my study, my mind finding solace in the familiarity of the surroundings. When the memories superimpose themselves on me, I try to turn my back on them & shuts my eyes hard. I will myself to believe that the tears are out of gratitude, that it’s my way of requital for all that I have, all that I have lost & all that I am to gain. As the tear dries leaving behind a trail on my cheek & I pull the hair away from my face, I am greeted with the scent of a happier day.

As the soothing effect of the words evaporate & my heart threatens to be entombed in despondency, I try to recollect the last time I felt light - the memory of being stretched tall as I dived deep, a moment of complete calm and then the thunderous splash when my body hit the cold waters. But I remember not loosening up in time, and staying underneath a while longer, my sense of being disconnected from the rest of the world. It was the kind of quietness which I wish I could visit tonight, a moment where nothing is real except my struggle to survive. And the only difference between that day and today is that then, I had the choice to pierce through the surface and reclaim my life.