I choose to..

The warm air in the hotel room surrounds me as I ghostly stare into the vast space. The window shutters lazily sway to the tunes of the wind while the fan above aimlessly rotates, doing its mundane duty. This wasn't the way I hoped life would work out for me. The notions of love that I had grown up believing in seemed like zilch.

I am uncertain about what the future holds for me, but somewhere in this turmoil I find strange peace. I have no one left in my life that I could turn to, and no-one would come looking for me. My family won’t take me back neither would the man who loved me like no one else. Had I thought of the consequences of my actions that led me to here? Will I regret the void I have created? I haven’t really thought it out but a serene tranquility of this moment permeates through every living cell in my body.

In an Indian middle class, the expiry-by date for a desirable marriageable girl is 25. At 36, my marriage seemed to be my family’s redemption. The extended family, long-forgotten friends, and their friends sympathized with us, brought in all sorts of alliances. Yes, that’s the price one has to pay for not getting married at tender age. Finally a decision was made, horoscopes matched, families agreed to the arrangements and the gifts to be exchanged. The man was good but nowhere close to my dream groom but then he had a string of degrees next to his name, had a good job, nice family to make up for his visibly different grooming. Everyone convinced me that once I am married everything will fall into place; I shall love the man for who he is. And so the marriage takes place, my family happy that they married me off. The new family grumbling about the food, the accommodation, the gifts received, the AC in the marriage hall, the way their guests were treated, well the list continues.

It’s been 3 years of survival since then until yesterday. Each night when he hugs me to sleep, I’d silently promise myself to be able to wake up with a little love, expecting nothing in return. Mornings disappointed me because each day in the past 3 years I woke up to an empty heart devoid of emotions. I could see he needed me but why did I feel nothing for him apart from sympathy? Why couldn’t I find the soul in this relationship?

God knows I tried. I fulfilled all duties as a wife should, did what I was asked to. We seemed like a perfect couple to the society. Relatives told me that they were envious of my life, exotic vacations, and comfortable lifestyle. But I still feel a void. My marriage was based on duty rather than love, no matter what I grew up thinking. He came back early yesterday to celebrate our third anniversary, crushing my self-respect with lavish gifts as he had done umpteen times in all the years that I've known him. I could take it no more; the guilt of staying in a soulless marriage was wrecking me from the inside. I opened up to him after a few pegs. He questioned my loyalty to him & the marriage; cursed me for not realizing what I was throwing away. He tried to reason his way first by begging me not to disturb the peace in his house, then by slapping & thrashing me to the wall nearby, then by forcing himself on me. But when he saw my blank eyes, he stopped ‘cause he knew it was all futile. I packed my stuff that I caught my sight in the next few minutes and walked out of the hell.

I am free now. After 3 years of a meaningless existence, the freedom is liberating. I have broken the shackles of fear, the fear of being judged, the fear of giving up on a stable subsistence.

Because he is my North Star!

I have been nursing him for the last few days,

His frail hands, slender fingers point to the royal blue velvety sky outside the window

The sky watches the ordeal in silence though.

I am scared,

of walking into the room each morning;

of going away from him.

I am scared,

of all those who think it’s not worth it.

But have you ever seen his smile?

His eyes that sparkle at the thought of a long dreamt dream?

His voice so full of conviction?

I have seen, I have heard.

I have seen his soft touch turn into a silent kiss of blessing.

I have seen him sleep, like in an abode for a tired traveler.

I have heard him cry, turning into the nightmares that none of us can comfort.

I have heard everyone, ask why?

And this is why.

B'cause he made me believe that I was still his little girl.

B'cause his innocence made me believe that I needn't think so much with my mind.

B'cause he can never be away from me.

B'cause my happiness shall never be complete without him.

B'cause I know he'll find a way or another just to be by my side.

B'cause he is my North Star.

That, and just that gives me a reason enough,

to live, to strive, to run, to smile, to cry

Cause this is how you want it to be,

and there's no changing it.

The knot!!

The world around seems to have come to a standstill, but the time ticks on.

Whatever is left behind is the void of zilch that seems to drown you into believing in illusions, the ones you lose to the touch of the simplest of emotions.

Duuuuuuhh!! * jamming my head onto the wall *

The Me(diocre) Indian!!

I hit the snooze button even before the alarm disturbs the perfect silent morning; and go back to my sleep. Half an hour of sleep & the delay it would cause will not kill me at work, will it?

I go about my morning routine & step out to buy milk for tea. My mind is quick to defend the extra rupee every shop charges other than the designated milk booths. But then again how valuable is a rupee these days esp. when you can avoid walking to the milk booth?

I gather all of last night's wrappers, empty cartons, plastic bags & toss it in full style into the dustbin. Tch, just missed!! well, the house maid is being paid to keep my house & the surroundings clean.

I get ready, step out. Omg, omg, the traffic all set to get onto my nerves yet again. I finally get a rick to my stop, after shooing off a couple of them for charging double fare 'cause of the heavy traffic on the roads (as though its all my fault...gah), cursing the traffic lights or choosing such an apt moment to turn red.

I manage to find my way to an empty seat in the bus, put on my earphones with ear-blaring music, take the newspaper out of my bag & read the cover story Rest in Peace Nirbhaya. We Won't. My eyes are moist for a few seconds, by now the whole of India has been following the gang rape case. No girl/ woman deserves what was done to her..the apple of her parents' eyes a few days earlier, her indomitable will to live inspite of all the surgeries, thanks to the brutality of a half a dozen men!! The whole of the first page is filled with articles about her and political tears. I snigger at the words a host of the politicians choose at the incident. I let out a grateful sigh that I did not vote for this bunch of people.

New year is round the corner, the rest of the pages are filled with advertisements of huge discounts, exchange offers & what not. My mind begins wandering..I deserve to go on a shopping spree, after all the hard work i put in to earn my money & what better way than to save with a upto 60% discount.

I huff n puff my way to the office. I snap at the housekeeping staff for the delay in cleaning the restrooms-some moron had the audacity to not clean it after use. So what if the moron turns out to be a good friend at the work-place? The housekeeping staff is paid for the work, the least that she could do efficiently.

I stroll around after a long & lazy lunch. Getting back to my building, I happen to pass by a commotion at the entrance. I walk to the reception to check with the security guard for an update. One of our founder members suddenly collapsed unconscious. They were waiting for the ambulance to wheel him to a corporate hospital, though the campus doctor clearing him off asked to put him under observation. My wandering mind wonders if they’ll give us an off for the rest of the day. Sigh, wishful thinking!!

Its 5. Yippiiiee..movie time followed by shopping spree J. An alt+tab highlights the errors I need to fix, however my mind has already raced to making a shopping list, malls to visit. I’ll come in early tomorrow to fix them, I leave a note to my team that I’m done for the day. Everyone lies once in a while; so it shouldn’t really matter.

I reach my PG after splurging my hard-earned salary; but heck I’m happy & that’s all that matters. There is a noisy fight between a couple that lives at the end of our lane; suddenly there’s a thud, a loud scream, and silence! I ignore what just happened. It’s a domestic issue & I cant interfere.

I grumble and eat the food served at the PG. A few morsels down my throat and I decide that the food is worth adorning the bin. I notice a stray cat sitting at my window sill, looking at my plate with hypnotic eyes. Eeeiiikkkk!! I hate cats. Plus if I feed it now, it’ll end up on my sill every other night for food. I throw whatever my left hand can grab in its direction & empty my plate in the bin.

I wash up & hit the bed with a romantic novel.

I am the mediocre Indian. I live in a not-so-urban area of a metro city. I go to office. I eat. I sleep.

I crib about rapes, light a candle; change my profile picture on Facebook to a black dot to express my support to the protests.

I rant about the shortcomings in the city. I happily while my forced-holiday from work on a election day 'cause its no use voting for the current lot of politicians.

I am indifferent. Indifferent, to all that happens around me but doesn’t affect me directly.

I am indifferent. Indifferent, to any victim ‘cause I have no reason to care about them.

I am indifferent. Indifferent, to any shouts for help ‘cause I don’t hear what doesn’t bother me.

As Elie Wiesel puts it so rightly: The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

We are ashamed of what happened to Nirbhaya, and that it happened in our country. Will this guilt push us into the right action though?

It’s time to change & we cannot build a better India with mediocre people.

It’s time to do something different than hide behind the proud pout of I am different.