I choose to..

The warm air in the hotel room surrounds me as I ghostly stare into the vast space. The window shutters lazily sway to the tunes of the wind while the fan above aimlessly rotates, doing its mundane duty. This wasn't the way I hoped life would work out for me. The notions of love that I had grown up believing in seemed like zilch.

I am uncertain about what the future holds for me, but somewhere in this turmoil I find strange peace. I have no one left in my life that I could turn to, and no-one would come looking for me. My family won’t take me back neither would the man who loved me like no one else. Had I thought of the consequences of my actions that led me to here? Will I regret the void I have created? I haven’t really thought it out but a serene tranquility of this moment permeates through every living cell in my body.

In an Indian middle class, the expiry-by date for a desirable marriageable girl is 25. At 36, my marriage seemed to be my family’s redemption. The extended family, long-forgotten friends, and their friends sympathized with us, brought in all sorts of alliances. Yes, that’s the price one has to pay for not getting married at tender age. Finally a decision was made, horoscopes matched, families agreed to the arrangements and the gifts to be exchanged. The man was good but nowhere close to my dream groom but then he had a string of degrees next to his name, had a good job, nice family to make up for his visibly different grooming. Everyone convinced me that once I am married everything will fall into place; I shall love the man for who he is. And so the marriage takes place, my family happy that they married me off. The new family grumbling about the food, the accommodation, the gifts received, the AC in the marriage hall, the way their guests were treated, well the list continues.

It’s been 3 years of survival since then until yesterday. Each night when he hugs me to sleep, I’d silently promise myself to be able to wake up with a little love, expecting nothing in return. Mornings disappointed me because each day in the past 3 years I woke up to an empty heart devoid of emotions. I could see he needed me but why did I feel nothing for him apart from sympathy? Why couldn’t I find the soul in this relationship?

God knows I tried. I fulfilled all duties as a wife should, did what I was asked to. We seemed like a perfect couple to the society. Relatives told me that they were envious of my life, exotic vacations, and comfortable lifestyle. But I still feel a void. My marriage was based on duty rather than love, no matter what I grew up thinking. He came back early yesterday to celebrate our third anniversary, crushing my self-respect with lavish gifts as he had done umpteen times in all the years that I've known him. I could take it no more; the guilt of staying in a soulless marriage was wrecking me from the inside. I opened up to him after a few pegs. He questioned my loyalty to him & the marriage; cursed me for not realizing what I was throwing away. He tried to reason his way first by begging me not to disturb the peace in his house, then by slapping & thrashing me to the wall nearby, then by forcing himself on me. But when he saw my blank eyes, he stopped ‘cause he knew it was all futile. I packed my stuff that I caught my sight in the next few minutes and walked out of the hell.

I am free now. After 3 years of a meaningless existence, the freedom is liberating. I have broken the shackles of fear, the fear of being judged, the fear of giving up on a stable subsistence.