She opens her eyes to loneliness. The room
is dark except for the faint light which creeps in through the blinds; letting
shadows of vehicles passing by adorn the ceiling. She shifts her gaze to the
man she was sharing her bed with, only to find him in a deep and comforting
slumber. He was what society defined a perfect man and if perfection was requisite
to be happy, then she should have been happy. It has been 15 years since she
realized she wasn’t anywhere close to that happiness, to that peace of living life
the way it has to be.
She crawls out of the bed before the alarm
could fill the air with its harsh titter, and makes her way to the adjacent
room. A child snuggled under a blanket with a gentle smile on his lips, makes
her heart melt in ways she had felt only for one man. A man she had let go off
when she should have hold on to.
Every day as she watches her husband read
bed time stories to their child, she hates herself a bit more for wanting a
different man in his place. Every night as he slides next to her and runs his
hands on her body, she shuts her eyes and imagines another man touching her.
She can’t help but loath herself for she knows, the present could have been
different, if only…
She has a past she relives in her mind every
day, a past she wishes every moment that she could alter. A woman in love she
once was, in love with a man who returned her sentiments, maybe bountifully
more. She was proud to be the one who loved less for she knew that he would
never let go of her. The man loved her and fulfilled her desires, irrespective
of his material constrictions and his struggling life. Everything he wanted to
be was more for her and less for him, more for being able to keep her forever
and less for living his dream. But he knew her too well to know that one day,
she will let go of him for what she called, a practical life beyond
compromises. He had warned her earlier.
And she did exactly what he predicted. She
let go of him for a wealthy man, a better man which her father pointed out to
her. He was perfect in her eyes and all she had to do next was to fall in love
with him. A good house, a husband with a generous character; she believed that
with time, she will fall in love with him. She left her lover for a life on a
plate readily served to her. He loved her too much to hold her back.
A faint touch on her chin brings her back to
where she was. She smiles at her son with her lips while her eyes mirror the
pain her heart was going through. Why couldn’t she love the man she was married
to? Her life was perfect society said, but why wasn’t she smiling? Why did she
let go of him when all he asked was her to believe in him and in the love they
shared?
Sometimes, she drives by his home on her way
back after dropping her child to school. Where there was once a tiny studio
apartment, now stood a mansion with a gold address plate on the gate screaming
his name. He became everything he said he will, but he now shared it all with a
woman who believed in him.
Now, her existence is haunted by questions,
the answers to which she cannot ignore. If only she had believed in him. If
only she had realized that he was the diamond which time could polish. If only
she had stood by his side.
Life was now just a pretense and she knew that
she was to blame.
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