02:52.
Not
tonight. I can't recollect how I got here. It's quick when you want time to stand
still. To sit back and watch. To cherish what isn't yours. To pause the words
and sneak through their subtleties. This isn't the happiest hour of the day,
but right now time doesn't matter. I am smiling, to myself, as I revisit the
last few conversations. Sifting through random ones and picking out the bits
that I want to remember. To never forget.
Tina
is giving words to my thoughts. The ones that are yet to form. Those that
refuse to unwrap the hidden secrets. It's puzzling when you aren't sure what
the other wants. But it is absolutely crazy to not know what you yourself want.
She is putting her thoughts into me while coaxing my own out of their hidden
spots. And as always she is creating magic with her music. Be my friend. Hold
me, wrap me up. I'm needy. Warm me up. And breathe me...
I
didn't mean to get lost or revisit the past. I didn't mean to feel relieved to
have left it all behind. To have left you behind. Nothing more is expected of
us. No pretending. No cracks hidden beneath the beautiful muslin. No audience.
A silent look. And then we turn our back to each other and walk away. Slow,
deliberate steps. The curtains fall. No claps. No cheers.
There
is silence. Clear, flawless, undeterred. And Tina is tearing softly through it.
Carefully. Not wanting to disrupt the harmony. But there is silence in her
words too. The other kind. The fractured one, the one mutilated beyond repair.
Without a trace of sound. Or a spur of the moment. Did I just hear you slur?
Blow it all away, don't wait for me to say. But even if you had your way, you
would find a way to blow it all away.
Signs
of a slight headache creeping in. Slowly. The kind that kills. Silence. It
fascinates me. This absence of noise. Or sound. Or movement. It scares me, this
silence. And I keep trying to fill it in. If not with words, then with
thoughts. The clock is leering.
03:09. Obscene. Make no sense of this, because
there isn't any. There rarely is. But you knew that already. You were always
the smart one. I wish there were more like you. I wish it would stop ticking.
Let's not fight today. I am so dead tired.
I
want to be in the park. Will you follow me up the rungs and down the slide? I
will walk you through a world of fantasy and we can swap smiles. And then walk
towards the sea and stop only when the waves pull us in. But I won't leave your
hand because to you I am beautiful and that might keep us afloat. For a while.
And if we die, we will die knowing. Knowing all that was unsaid. Because we didn't
always need words to communicate.
Tomorrow
will be different. Without them around. It hasn't hit yet. It will when I wake
up. A new day comes with bitter realizations. Always. This is a first. I can't
believe it myself. Did we hug? I don't remember anymore. Maybe we didn't. Maybe
we should have. Maybe I don't remember because it doesn't matter. It is after
all, inconsequential. Nothing that is forgotten can be of any importance to you
and I. You. And I....
03: 24.
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